It's the iconic opening, a peppy song with shots of NYC interspersed with a smug looking Carrie prancing around the streets of Manhattan in a fucking tutu. Also, way too much blush. Just when you want to smack her in the face, she gets what's coming to her - a city bus drives by and splashes her with gutter water. Ha! She turns and sees that the bus has her photo on it, a promo for her column, which, what the fuck does this sign mean anyway? She knows good sex and isn't afraid to ask? If she already knows, then what is she asking? And of whom? This has seriously bugged me for over fifteen years.
Here is the whole credits sequence. I'll show it once and only once - you're welcome.
Alrighty then. We start with the ubiquitous Carrie voice-over (henceforth to be called CVO) as we see words typed on a computer screen (DRINK): "Once upon a time, an English journalist came to New York." As CVO continues to narrate this story, we see footage of a lovely if bland blonde woman in a stupid red hat with a crapton of Louis Vuitton luggage arrive in Manhattan in a cab. Then, she meets a handsome if bland rich dude at a gallery. It was love at first sight, CVO claims, and then the Blands go on a bunch of cliched dates and have sex for two weeks. Mr. Bland takes Miss Bland to look at a townhouse he wants to buy and talks about having kids with her. He tells her he wants her to meet his parents. But he blows her off the night she's supposed to meet them.
We flash to present day, as Miss Bland sits at a table in a cafe with someone, telling about how she never heard from him again. The camera pulls back to reveal the back of her curly-headed, cigarette-smoking companion. The companion (spoiler alert: it's Carrie) puts out a cigarette as CVO says, "Then I realized: no one had told her about the end of love in Manhattan."
Because she couldn't have gotten dicked over in London, or anywhere else in the world, of course. I hate how the show treats New York like it's another planet. It's a unique city, sure, with an atmosphere and style all its own, but most of the problems its characters face could happen almost anywhere.
Because she couldn't have gotten dicked over in London, or anywhere else in the world, of course. I hate how the show treats New York like it's another planet. It's a unique city, sure, with an atmosphere and style all its own, but most of the problems its characters face could happen almost anywhere.
By the way, that's the first and last time we'll see the Blands in this series, so DRINK.
CVO continues as the camera pans down a city street and then up the side of a building: "Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has 'breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has 'affairs to remember.' Instead, we have breakfast at 7am and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount." Camera pans through a window to Carrie typing away at her computer, and CVO continues: "Cupid has flown the co-op."
Finally, a shot of Carrie as she speaks directly to the camera over her computer screen (DRINK): "How the hell did we get into this mess?"
Digression: one of my favorite things about TV pilots is how weird they often seem when compared to the rest of the series. The pilot is usually shot without knowing if the show will get picked up, and if it does get picked up, it could be a year or more until the next episode is shot. So, pilots often have different sets (this is not the same Carrie's apartment that we'll become very familiar with, and she's typing on a big old behemoth desktop) and the actors often look different (Carrie's hair is darker, puffier, and a good 6 inches shorter than it is in the rest of the first season). And it's pretty obvious that Pat Field had nothing to do with this pilot, as Carrie's wardrobe is almost normal. ANYway...
The camera now shows a crowded NYC sidewalk full of just women (including Ms. Bradshaw herself) as CVO tells us about the thousands of wonderful ladies in the city who travel, pay taxes, and will pay $400 on a pair of Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals (DRINK). Which, really? Were they only $400 back in 1998? Anyway, the horror is these women are (gasp) ALONE.
Carrie, in a shapeless grey trench coat, buys a ficticious New York Star out of a box on the corner as she tells the camera (DRINK) that it's like the riddle of the Sphinx - why are there so many great unmarried women and no great unmarried men? She explores these issues in her column (close-up of her "Sex and the City" column with the headline "Unmarried Women, Toxic Bachelors.") CVO tells us that she has terrific sources: her friends.
Remember in the early seasons, when random people would give pithy little dating soundbytes to the camera (DRINK)? Cut to a bunch of douchey men saying douchey, sexist things to the camera as they work out and as the TV screen tells us that they are toxic bachelors.
But wait: there's Miranda! Her hair is closer to dark auburn than actual red but she's clad in a severe suit as early season Miranda was wont to be. She's talking to the camera as she selects chicken wings from a cheap bodega buffet. She tells a story about some woman who only dated for fun until she realized she was too old to get another man or get married. She had a nervous breakdown and had to move in with her mother in Wisconsin. Miranda is by far my favorite of the four main characters, but shut up, Miranda. And shut up, show. One of my biggest pet peeves about SATC is how it's supposed to be a heartbreaking tragedy if someone ends up single.
I do enjoy how she's aggressively brandishing a chicken wing in tongs, though.
I do enjoy how she's aggressively brandishing a chicken wing in tongs, though.
And now it's Charlotte time! Her hair is shorter - shoulder-length and 60's flippy. She talks about how to land a man, you have to keep your mouth shut and play by The Rules. Shut up, Charlotte.
Then there's Skipper. Remember Skipper? When I first watched this show, I was like "Ewww, what a dork." Shut up, 23 year-old me. Now, I'm more like "Awww, what a dork!" He could use a haircut, but he's sweet and cute. He says something kind of nice but corny about romance.
More talking. Douchey guys are douching, Miranda is bitching while shoving salad into her mouth (DRINK), and Charlotte continues to blather.
One of the douches actually says "Why don't these women just marry a fat guy? Why don't they just marry a big fat tub of lard?" Yay, fat shaming, 6 minutes into the pilot. Well done, SATC.
Cut to a group of drag queens singing "Happy Birthday" to Miranda, as she, Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha (hi, Samantha!) sit at a small, cramped, fun-looking but decidedly divey-looking restaurant, which is refreshing.
Samantha, with much longer hair than what we're used to seeing, is telling the girls her philosophy: you can either get frustrated about relationships or just have sex "like a man." No, not with dildos, Charlotte - without feeling. As she raises her cosmo (DRINK), CVO tells us how Samantha is a NYC legend who regularly sleeps with guys in their 20's. Sam claims that this is the first time ever in the history of Manhattan that women have as much power and money as men, so why not treat men as sex objects? Miranda tells a cautionary tale that ends with "and I'm like, let's not even go there." SERIOUSLY.
At any rate, this scene does a good job of establishing the general personalities of the Femme Four. Samantha's just in it for the sex, Miranda is cynical, Charlotte is old-fashioned and romantic, and Carrie is optimistic while approaching the conversation with a journalist's point of view. They talk about The Last Seduction as Samantha and Miranda thrust in an impression of some scene where a woman fucks a guy against a chain link fence (sorry, never saw it). Charlotte hated the movie, of course.
I'll pause again to discuss how much the theme of this episode pisses me off. Men don't own the idea of sex for sex's sake. Plenty of women have been having sex that way too, for years and years. If the show had just called it "sex without feeling," then I wouldn't be ranting here. But to me, "sex like a man" just means having and using a dick. I hate how much this show plays into stupid gender stereotypes.
I'll pause again to discuss how much the theme of this episode pisses me off. Men don't own the idea of sex for sex's sake. Plenty of women have been having sex that way too, for years and years. If the show had just called it "sex without feeling," then I wouldn't be ranting here. But to me, "sex like a man" just means having and using a dick. I hate how much this show plays into stupid gender stereotypes.
Back at the Carrie Compound, she's typing on her bed (on a laptop, not the old desktop we saw earlier - did people have more than one PC in 1998?) and eating a pint of chocolate ice cream. CVO asks "Was it true? Were women in New York really giving up on love and and throttling up on power?" Carrie looks directly at the camera (DRINK) to say "What a tempting thought!"
Cut to fancy lunch at a restaurant. Yay, it's Stanford! Hi, Stanford! He's wearing a pinstriped grey suit with a lime green shirt and grass-green tie and is so far the only person who is dressed remotely interestingly (Carrie is just wearing a simple v-necked long sleeved dress, which is very short but otherwise unremarkable). He tells Carrie that romance is alive and well in the NYC gay community. He flutters his lashes at the cute waiter as Carrie tells the camera (DRINK) how Stanford is one of her closest friends. Stanny tells Carrie that he's way too busy to sustain a relationship. He owns a talent agency and his one client, Derek (an underwear model with a billboard in Times Square), takes up all of his time and is all he cares about right now. When he's got time for a relationship, he'll attempt to pursue one.
He looks up, spots something behind Carrie's back, and warns her not to turn around because the "loathe of [her] life" (ha!) is at the bar. Carrie turns around, of course, and the camera shows us a man smoking at the bar as CVO tells us "It was Kurt Harrington. A mistake I made when I was 26. And 29. And 31."
Stanny tells her "don't even go there" (seriously with this pilot? "Don't go there" was dated even back in '98) and Carrie tells him that she's not a masochist. Stanford doesn't have the patience to deal with this again, but Carrie assures him that she's got no feelings left. She excuses herself to go to the ladies', but Stanny's no fool. He gives her a warning: "Carrie..." but she's gone. She tells the camera (DRINK) that she no longer feels anything for Kurt but she wants to use him as an experiment, because while he was a total asshole, he was the best sex she'd ever had.
She walks by the bar and pretends to be surprised to see Kurt there. And I have to say, whoever casted this pilot was either brilliant or lucked out because you can literally tell by looking at Kurt's face that he's a total dick. Look at how self-satisfied he is. Also, Carrie's hair is basically a pyramid.
He calls her "babe" (gross) and kisses her on the cheek. They flirt and determine that neither of them are seeing anyone special. Despite Stanny shooting her daggers from behind Kurt's back, Carrie asks Curt what he's doing later and makes it clear what she's looking for - just some sexin'. They make plans to meet at Kurt's place at 3pm. As she walks back to Stanford, his face says it all.
He gives her shit about everything and Carrie tells him it's just research.
Cut to Carrie in a bed, moaning "Yes, oh Kurt, yes, OH!" etc. as he goes down on her as only people on TV and movies do - under a sheet. Kurt's done and Carrie lies back, happy and satisfied. Kurt tells her it's his turn but Carrie's all, sorry, I'm Audi, but I'll give you call, maybe. CVO: "As I began to get dressed, I realized, I'd done it: I'd just had sex like a man."
She walks out of Kurt's building onto a busy sidewalk, feeling, as CVO tells us, "powerful, potent, and incredibly alive." As she struts, a guy bumps into her and she drops her teeny black bag on the street. She squats to put her junk back into the bag, and a distinguished man in a suit comes over to meet cute and picks up the condoms Carrie had lost. Oh, look, it's Mr. Big! Carrie thanks him as CVO tells us that he's very handsome, not wearing a wedding ring, and knows she carries a personal supply of condoms (ultra-textured Trojans with a reservoir tip, in case you were wondering). She coyly thanks Big and walks away, but not before looking back. Big gives her a sort of wave, and she continues to leave, smoothing out her too-short dress over her but and then - ha! - stumbling in her too-high heels (DRINK). Big's like, whatever, and walks away in the opposite direction.
Later, Carrie has coffee with Skipper (all this woman does is shop and sit in restaurants), where he tells her that he hasn't gotten laid in like a year. Carrie can't understand that because Skipper's so nice, but he says that that's the problem: he's too nice, too romantic, has so much feeling. Carrie asks him if he's sure he's not gay, which, what the fuck? How does someone become a successful sex and romance columnist when they ask stupid questions like that? Guess what: straight guys can be sensitive, and gay men don't have to be. Another stupid stereotype. So shut up, Carrie.
Anyway, Carrie embarrasses Skipper by saying something about "pussy" and then he asks her if she has any friends she could fix him up with. She tells him that they're too old, he says that he likes older women, and she decides to fix him up with Miranda. She tells him to meet them the following night at this new club, Chaos. Skipper says "Don't tell her I'm nice." CVO: "Miranda was going to hate Skipper. She'd think he was mocking her with his sweet nature and decide he was an asshole." Good idea to fix them up then, Carrie. Bad friend. (DRINK)
Carrie's back at home when her phone rings. It's Charlotte, to tell her that she can't meet up at Chaos tomorrow night because she scored herself a hot date (DRINK). Which, no. You don't blow your friends off for a date, Char. Bad form. Carrie asks her about her date, and Charlotte tells her it's Capote Duncan, a big shot in the publishing world. Carrie tells the camera (DRINK) that she knows Capote, and he's one of the city's most toxic bachelors. But Charlotte doesn't want to know, so Carrie doesn't tell her. Which, whatever - if your friend is about to go out with some dickbag, wouldn't you warn her? But anyway, Charlotte also wants Carrie to know that she's not buying into that whole women having sex like men thing.
The next night, at Chaos. Flash on a cigarette girl wearing a lampshade on her head (I wish I was kidding). The club looks so crowded that my agoraphobia flares up just watching it. CVO tells us that Chaos is just like Cheers, where everyone knows your name, except here, they'll forget it right away. Carrie is wearing leopard again (I can't wait for cracked out Pat Field to show up) and searches for her friends as she makes some stupid pun (DRINK) about the creme de la creme whipped up into a souffle or cottage cheese.
Miranda and Skipper are at the bar, drinking margaritas, as Miranda bitches that everyone at the club is a model and she's the only person there who weighs over 100 pounds. Skipper joins in on the snark but Miranda doesn't find him funny (and calls him "Skippy" because she can't be bothered to learn his real fucking name) and she tells him her theory that men hate pretty girls because they're the ones who rejected them in high school. Skipper is still playing along but Miranda's not having it. She gets really worked up when Skipper makes an ill-advised move and places his hand on her knee, but ends up kind of getting a kick out of it as she realizes that Skipper must find her beautiful or interesting.
Carrie runs into dickface Kurt at Chaos, because of course she does. He tells her that at first, he was pissed that she ran off after they had sex, but then he realized how awesome it was - now they can have sex without commitment whenever they want! Carrie puts on a brave face but is obviously not happy to hear this. As Kurt walks away to go mack on another woman, CVO: "I didn't understand. Did all men want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached, and if I was really having sex like a man, why didn't I feel more in control?"
Carrie runs into Samantha, who points out some unseen guy and tells Carrie he's the next Donald Trump (except much younger and better-looking).
And looky, it's Mr. Big again (is this the only club in Manhattan?). He gives Carrie a wave and she lies to Samantha about never having seen him before for some reason. According to Samantha, Big usually dates models, but hey - Sam's as good looking as a model and owns her own business besides. CVO: "Samantha had the kind of deluded self-confidence that caused men like Ross Perot to run for president. And it usually got her what she wanted." Kind of a backhanded thing to say about a friend (DRINK).Samantha confidently strides across the room to break her off a piece of that Mr. Big.
Meanwhile, Charlotte is walking down some big outdoor staircase of some big old grand-looking building with her date (sorry, I'm not from NYC and can't identify buildings on site but this is probably the Met or something that I should know). Char is wearing this hideously 90's gold lamé evening gown, and I just CAN'T.
Capote wants Charlotte to go back to his place to see a painting he bought (Charlotte works in an art gallery) but she at first refuses because Rules. But then she changes her mind, even though she's still determined to not sleep with him.
Back at Casa Capote, Charlotte ogles the painting while Capote ogles Charlotte. He tries to put the moves on but she turns him down after just a kiss. He seems to be really cool with it and gets her a cab, acting pretty sweet the whole time, but then he decides last minute to join her in the cab and go down to Chaos. "Look, I understand where you're coming from," he tells Charlotte,"and I totally respect it, but I really need to have sex tonight." At least Charlotte got the opportunity to wear her favorite shiny gold sack on her big date, I guess.
Back at Chaos, Samantha is putting the moves on Big but he's totally uninterested. But to be polite, he lights a cigar for Sam, and I'm sorry to be indelicate, but she sucks on that thing like it's a dick. She tells him that she has a key to the private room downstairs because she does the P.R. for the club, and asks him if he'd like a private tour. DENIED.
Skipper and Miranda leave as CVO tells us that Skipper is "hopelessly smitten." Miranda calls him Skippy again and tells him he's nice and all, but.
She gives him a little pity peck on the cheek and tries to walk away, but Skipper stops her and pulls her in for a real, bona fide kiss. And after a second of shock she's totally into it. Good for them! CVO: "Miranda told me later that she thought he was too nice, but she was willing to overlook one flaw."
And then Samantha goes home with Capote Duncan. He tells her he's got to get up really early so she can't stay over, and she's all, whatever, like I wanted to anyway. I choose to believe that Samantha didn't know that Charlotte had been out with Capote earlier that night, but who the hell knows?
Outside Chaos, Carrie futilely tries to hail a cab and realizes that she may actually have to walk. But don't worry about poor, poor Carrie, because a night in a shining town car comes to her rescue. It's Mr. Big in the backseat and he offers Carrie a ride home by saying "Well, get in for chrissakes" so she does. She tells him she lives at 72nd St. and Third Avenue (that's the Upper East Side, I think, but again, I'm pretty clueless about Manhattan).
Carrie and Big make small talk and he asks her what she does for work. She tells him that this is her work - she's sort of a sexual anthropologist. "You mean like a hooker?" asks Big. That's nice. She tells him about her column and how she's researching her current article about women who have sex like men. Big tells her that he's not like that, and Carrie jokingly asks what's wrong with him. He starts laughing and says that he gets it: she's never been in love. That upsets her, and when Big drops her off at her building (again, which is not the same building we've grown accustomed to in later episodes), she thanks him for the ride. Before his driver drives away, she tells him to wait and knocks on the car window.
Big rolls it down and she asks him if he's ever been in love.
He responds "Abso-fuckin'-lutely," which becomes some kind of iconic statement in this series for some reason, but I've never been able to understand the big deal. She asks a guy she's never met before, a guy pushing 40 if not already past it, if he's ever been in love, and he has been. Big whoop. So the town car drives away (the driver never asks Big if he's ready to go with is weird) and Carrie turns toward the camera like Big just BLEW HER FUCKING MIND.
Again: I don't get it.
Introducing: Everyone, basically. Carrie Bradshaw and the rest of the Femme Four: Miranda Hobbes, Samantha Jones, and Charlotte York. Mr. Big. Stanford. And Skipper, who makes quite a few appearances in the first couple of seasons before apparently dying of Chuck Cunningham Syndrome.
Number of Drinks Taken: 20
